I thought about naming this post "What u didn't give me" but the
issue is much wider. Of course I could write down a list showing how thirsty did u left me after that bloody days of glory.
This one is just to give myself the chance to put everything on the table and tear my heart in words; to let you know what u didnt get, what you could have had and what I could have given.
This is probably gonna be a raw text but you didn't give a shit when the words used to come from you own mouth. Clear as u wanted it from the first day, that´s how Im gonna talk.
I´ve been resting my thoughts for the night and I know your were not doing good two nights ago but who knows the reason of your tears. I´m not sure if I should claim that tears mine or ours. // I have cried and I am missing // but you can never give when you are never gonna receive //. I still wonder why I felt as the only one who you didn't look at. I was somebody standing there. I felt how you pushed me away by disrespecting me and joking on a so childish way.
Whilst all this happened some sweet moments showed up. So, so warm that made the others vanish away. That´s why I was holding tight the candy rope. I can number the great ones too.. Driving through Madrid at night, holding me tight so I couldn't leave in the morning, a couple of naughty hands, a new place to dinner, deep and shallow conversations, laughs, tears, movies, hugs, music, kisses, looks, when u pushed me against the red wall to have the moment for us.
// See? That was making something for us //
And some others that finally drowned in a contradictory conversation, in a carousel of sensations, in a promise that never came, in a smashed illusion // cuz I believed in you when you talked about changes//, in cold water running though my back when I was nothing but a sofa. They drowned cuz you never touched me, cuz never asked me, cuz never thought about me. I was a driver and a lackey. Cuz u said you loved me and then passed over me to get your needs. That´s selfish.
Basically Im trying to make everything simple cuz its too wide to embrace and my mind and my chest is feeling quite limited to cover the issue. I have to think that you don´t care or you are insecure. I have to think that either you didn't feel like having a relationship even you said u wanted or something happened to change your mind, something that I don't know and don´t wanna know now. I have to think that you are doing your things as anything happened and then somebody tell my you were drinking your own tears. So, what the **** is happening?
You may need to now that everyday that comes I wake up a bit less damaged and there will be a day that don't remember all this stuff. I wouldn't like to get to that day when everything is forgotten but we are living as the other did not exist, so its probably closer that what I think. But on the day I still feel weak, I still feel weird when walk through the city centre without you, or walk by the clubs we used to go, or get into my car and you are not in the next seat, or any song plays and I think about you, making plans where u or I are not invited. Im much more thoughtful that I used to, I loose my mind everywhere, sometimes seeking the corners looking for some dark hair and thick lips. Im floating, trying to assimilate what it was, what did I think it was, what is it, what´s gonna happen, what Im gonna do. //Hell, yeah, I need to sort myself out //
I feel like spending time with myself, doing my own stuff, alone, reflecting, finding some peace and pleasure. Become myself again and a new one much more powerful.
A bigger horse.
A more white cat.
What you could have had was a world of fantasies becoming true, cuz I can be whoever you want. The impossible turning to possible, cuz you know I never give up till I have wasted every single chance. A second and a third live, cuz I can give you what you want and what you really need. A common and a exciting one, cuz I know how to make of a night "THE NIGHT" and a dinner in home "THE DINNER". I know how to make a flame never gone out, but I need a hand that your were not gonna give.
There are no three "C" for you. That was a misunderstood doll.
And at the end, it´s not about me not having is about you loosing. UNDERSTAND?
